Read my SAT essay. Please it'd mean alot. Only 300 words. Let me know what you think

Topic : If you want to become an expert in a certain field, do you need to have more talent or more motivation?

Essay :
       In order to become an expert in a particular field, you need to have both: talent and motivation. However, in my opinion, motivation plays a greater role in the success of an individual.
Talent is being skilled in a certain field. Some people are born with talent; others acquire it over years of training. For example a basketball player that performs fairly well is known to have a talent in this sport. He can perfect his skills by practicing and through coaching. However, without motivation can he take advantage of his talents? Probably not.
If you don’t have any motivation, there is something missing that helps you stay on your course. Motivation could come from different sources: from the support of your family, from the encouragement of your friends, from the guidance of your teachers and from experiences of successful individuals.
However the most important source of motivation is from within. Self-motivation is having a strong belief in yourself, having a desire to do something good, an urge of achieving success. It is quite tough to acquire but once you have it, it’s hard to lose it. Can one become an expert in a certain field with motivation but no talent at all? Yes. For example if you have built up enough motivation in acting, by watching a lot of television, but you have no talent at all. You can still achieve greatness in that field, as you will build talent steadily, because you are motivated to do so, by yourself and by others, you will never give up. You won’t stop until you achieve your goal.
We can easily become an expert in a certain field with only motivation but if we only have talent with no motivation then that will perhaps be a very difficult task. Motivation is more important than talent when it comes to reaching the level of an expert.


Rate it out of 12.
Anything to improve on? Thoughts?

you like to use " : " alot

Slash wrote:Topic : If you want to become an expert in a certain field, do you need to have more talent or more motivation?

Essay :
       In order to become an expert in a particular field, you need to have both: talent and motivation. However, in my opinion, motivation plays a greater role in the success of an individual.
Talent is being skilled in a certain field. Some people are born with talent; others acquire it over years of training. For example a basketball player that performs fairly well is known to have a talent in this sport. He can perfect his skills by practicing and through coaching. However, without motivation can he take advantage of his talents? Probably not.
If you don’t have any motivation, there is something missing that helps you stay on your course. Motivation could come from different sources: from the support of your family, from the encouragement of your friends, from the guidance of your teachers and from experiences of successful individuals.
However the most important source of motivation is from within. Self-motivation is having a strong belief in yourself, having a desire to do something good, an urge of achieving success. It is quite tough to acquire but once you have it, it’s hard to lose it. Can one become an expert in a certain field with motivation but no talent at all? Yes. For example if you have built up enough motivation in acting, by watching a lot of television, but you have no talent at all. You can still achieve greatness in that field, as you will build talent steadily, because you are motivated to do so, by yourself and by others, you will never give up. You won’t stop until you achieve your goal.
We can easily become an expert in a certain field with only motivation but if we only have talent with no motivation then that will perhaps be a very difficult task. Motivation is more important than talent when it comes to reaching the level of an expert.


Rate it out of 12.
Anything to improve on? Thoughts?

My edits::
I kept as much of your original work as possible
made a real intro paragraph that leads to each following paragraph
dropped a couple sentences
added a couple sentences
reorganized a bit
tried to get rid of "yous"
will still probably be grammatical errors because i just did this quickly, but now its a standard 5 paragraph format essay with intro and conclusion (Which is what the SAT people are looking for)


    In order to become an expert in a particular field; you need to have both talent and motivation.  Motivation is the overall drive to achieve success whereas talent is to be skilled in a certain field. The sources of motivation and talent play a great role on the individual. Talent without motivation is not as valuable as motivation without that achieved "talent". Motivation arguably plays a greater roll in the success of an individual.
    Talent is being skilled in a certain field.  For example, a basketball player that performs fairly well is known to have talent in this sport. He can perfect his skills by practicing and through coaching. However, without motivation can he take advantage of his talents? Probably not.  Motivation is the overall drive to achieve success. Without motivation he may not even practice enough, work with his coaches in a manner to improve his talents and remain competitive, or even get off his bed each morning.
    The sources of motivation and talent play a great role on the individual. Some people are born with talent, and others acquire it over years of training. Motivation could come from many different sources: from the support of family, from the encouragement of friends, from experiences of successful individuals, and from the guidance of teachers and coaches. However, the most important source of motivation comes from within.
    Motivation is having a strong belief in yourself, having a desire to do something good, an urge of achieving success. Talent without motivation is not as valuable as motivation without talent. One can become an expert in a certain field with no talent at all. For instance, watching television doesn't take much talent, but by watching enough one could be motivated to become an actor. If enough motivation for acting is built up; achieving greatness in the field is now possible as talent will build steadily.
    Motivation is the drive that one has to improve his or her self. Motivation is not giving up and not stopping until you achieve your goals. Motivation allows you to build your talents until you become an expert in the field. You may achieve certain degrees of talent but it is meaningless and improvement is not achievable; without motivation.

Zodz wrote:

Slash wrote:Topic : If you want to become an expert in a certain field, do you need to have more talent or more motivation?

Essay :
       In order to become an expert in a particular field, you need to have both: talent and motivation. However, in my opinion, motivation plays a greater role in the success of an individual.
Talent is being skilled in a certain field. Some people are born with talent; others acquire it over years of training. For example a basketball player that performs fairly well is known to have a talent in this sport. He can perfect his skills by practicing and through coaching. However, without motivation can he take advantage of his talents? Probably not.
If you don’t have any motivation, there is something missing that helps you stay on your course. Motivation could come from different sources: from the support of your family, from the encouragement of your friends, from the guidance of your teachers and from experiences of successful individuals.
However the most important source of motivation is from within. Self-motivation is having a strong belief in yourself, having a desire to do something good, an urge of achieving success. It is quite tough to acquire but once you have it, it’s hard to lose it. Can one become an expert in a certain field with motivation but no talent at all? Yes. For example if you have built up enough motivation in acting, by watching a lot of television, but you have no talent at all. You can still achieve greatness in that field, as you will build talent steadily, because you are motivated to do so, by yourself and by others, you will never give up. You won’t stop until you achieve your goal.
We can easily become an expert in a certain field with only motivation but if we only have talent with no motivation then that will perhaps be a very difficult task. Motivation is more important than talent when it comes to reaching the level of an expert.


Rate it out of 12.
Anything to improve on? Thoughts?

My edits::
I kept as much of your original work as possible
made a real intro paragraph that leads to each following paragraph
dropped a couple sentences
added a couple sentences
reorganized a bit
tried to get rid of "yous"
will still probably be grammatical errors because i just did this quickly, but now its a standard 5 paragraph format essay with intro and conclusion (Which is what the SAT people are looking for)


    In order to become an expert in a particular field; you need to have both talent and motivation.  Motivation is the overall drive to achieve success whereas talent is to be skilled in a certain field. The sources of motivation and talent play a great role on the individual. Talent without motivation is not as valuable as motivation without that achieved "talent". Motivation arguably plays a greater roll in the success of an individual.
    Talent is being skilled in a certain field.  For example, a basketball player that performs fairly well is known to have talent in this sport. He can perfect his skills by practicing and through coaching. However, without motivation can he take advantage of his talents? Probably not.  Motivation is the overall drive to achieve success. Without motivation he may not even practice enough, work with his coaches in a manner to improve his talents and remain competitive, or even get off his bed each morning.
    The sources of motivation and talent play a great role on the individual. Some people are born with talent, and others acquire it over years of training. Motivation could come from many different sources: from the support of family, from the encouragement of friends, from experiences of successful individuals, and from the guidance of teachers and coaches. However, the most important source of motivation comes from within.
    Motivation is having a strong belief in yourself, having a desire to do something good, an urge of achieving success. Talent without motivation is not as valuable as motivation without talent. One can become an expert in a certain field with no talent at all. For instance, watching television doesn't take much talent, but by watching enough one could be motivated to become an actor. If enough motivation for acting is built up; achieving greatness in the field is now possible as talent will build steadily.
    Motivation is the drive that one has to improve his or her self. Motivation is not giving up and not stopping until you achieve your goals. Motivation allows you to build your talents until you become an expert in the field. You may achieve certain degrees of talent but it is meaningless and improvement is not achievable; without motivation.

Woah I liked yours better. The acting example was explained better in yours and your intro was better too. I liked my ending better though. Only problem in yours is I noticed some repetition like : "Motivation is the overall drive to achieve success"
You said this in first para then in 2nd then in last you said motivation is the drive again. But all in all It was really good.
I'm gonna add some of this stuff to mine.
Thanks for taking the time Zodz <3 means alot

Slash wrote:

Zodz wrote:

Slash wrote:Topic : If you want to become an expert in a certain field, do you need to have more talent or more motivation?

Essay :
       In order to become an expert in a particular field, you need to have both: talent and motivation. However, in my opinion, motivation plays a greater role in the success of an individual.
Talent is being skilled in a certain field. Some people are born with talent; others acquire it over years of training. For example a basketball player that performs fairly well is known to have a talent in this sport. He can perfect his skills by practicing and through coaching. However, without motivation can he take advantage of his talents? Probably not.
If you don’t have any motivation, there is something missing that helps you stay on your course. Motivation could come from different sources: from the support of your family, from the encouragement of your friends, from the guidance of your teachers and from experiences of successful individuals.
However the most important source of motivation is from within. Self-motivation is having a strong belief in yourself, having a desire to do something good, an urge of achieving success. It is quite tough to acquire but once you have it, it’s hard to lose it. Can one become an expert in a certain field with motivation but no talent at all? Yes. For example if you have built up enough motivation in acting, by watching a lot of television, but you have no talent at all. You can still achieve greatness in that field, as you will build talent steadily, because you are motivated to do so, by yourself and by others, you will never give up. You won’t stop until you achieve your goal.
We can easily become an expert in a certain field with only motivation but if we only have talent with no motivation then that will perhaps be a very difficult task. Motivation is more important than talent when it comes to reaching the level of an expert.


Rate it out of 12.
Anything to improve on? Thoughts?

My edits::
I kept as much of your original work as possible
made a real intro paragraph that leads to each following paragraph
dropped a couple sentences
added a couple sentences
reorganized a bit
tried to get rid of "yous"
will still probably be grammatical errors because i just did this quickly, but now its a standard 5 paragraph format essay with intro and conclusion (Which is what the SAT people are looking for)


    In order to become an expert in a particular field; you need to have both talent and motivation.  Motivation is the overall drive to achieve success whereas talent is to be skilled in a certain field. The sources of motivation and talent play a great role on the individual. Talent without motivation is not as valuable as motivation without that achieved "talent". Motivation arguably plays a greater roll in the success of an individual.
    Talent is being skilled in a certain field.  For example, a basketball player that performs fairly well is known to have talent in this sport. He can perfect his skills by practicing and through coaching. However, without motivation can he take advantage of his talents? Probably not.  Motivation is the overall drive to achieve success. Without motivation he may not even practice enough, work with his coaches in a manner to improve his talents and remain competitive, or even get off his bed each morning.
    The sources of motivation and talent play a great role on the individual. Some people are born with talent, and others acquire it over years of training. Motivation could come from many different sources: from the support of family, from the encouragement of friends, from experiences of successful individuals, and from the guidance of teachers and coaches. However, the most important source of motivation comes from within.
    Motivation is having a strong belief in yourself, having a desire to do something good, an urge of achieving success. Talent without motivation is not as valuable as motivation without talent. One can become an expert in a certain field with no talent at all. For instance, watching television doesn't take much talent, but by watching enough one could be motivated to become an actor. If enough motivation for acting is built up; achieving greatness in the field is now possible as talent will build steadily.
    Motivation is the drive that one has to improve his or her self. Motivation is not giving up and not stopping until you achieve your goals. Motivation allows you to build your talents until you become an expert in the field. You may achieve certain degrees of talent but it is meaningless and improvement is not achievable; without motivation.

Woah I liked yours better. The acting example was explained better in yours and your intro was better too. I liked my ending better though. Only problem in yours is I noticed some repetition like : "Motivation is the overall drive to achieve success"
You said this in first para then in 2nd then in last you said motivation is the drive again. But all in all It was really good.
I'm gonna add some of this stuff to mine.
Thanks for taking the time Zodz <3 means alot

a typical format for an essay like this is to address the main points in the introduction, then reiterate the points again in the respective explanatory paragraphs. I did replicate the main points word for word which is a no no, u can fix that

glad u liked good luck on ur stuffs

The topic asks you which one is more important, NOT where it comes from.

Be way more specific.

http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/645763-how-write-12-essay-just-10-days.html

This should be your SAT essay bible. Follow it strictly - you'll score really well. Don't be so abstract, choose definitive examples. Don't play with the topic so much, CHOOSE a position and support it.

Use that link though. Seriously. I followed it exactly and got a 12.

Topic sentences can be a bit stronger, you also have to watch how you start your sentences. It's also a bit too sappy, but when I was reading it, I read it aloud, like a speech. Zodz fixed up the transitions pretty well, but your conclusion isn't too strong.

Firefury54 wrote:The topic asks you which one is more important, NOT where it comes from.

I wanted to mention what each word meant and I did talk about which one was more important and why it was more important.

Allen wrote:Be way more specific.

http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/645763-how-write-12-essay-just-10-days.html

This should be your SAT essay bible. Follow it strictly - you'll score really well. Don't be so abstract, choose definitive examples. Don't play with the topic so much, CHOOSE a position and support it.

Use that link though. Seriously. I followed it exactly and got a 12.

Yes you showed me this link, I have it saved, I haven't red it yet. But I will, thanks for the advice

Over Living wrote:Topic sentences can be a bit stronger, you also have to watch how you start your sentences. It's also a bit too sappy, but when I was reading it, I read it aloud, like a speech. Zodz fixed up the transitions pretty well, but your conclusion isn't too strong.

Yeah i'm pretty bad at essay writing. Zodz was way better, I'm just gonna keep practicing. Thanks for the advice

Means a lot guys.