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I'm weak in English considering i'm 16, 17 almost.
Anyways..how is the beginning?
“Which way did he go”? Luke asked in a soft voice. “You take left.” I replied. He nodded. My friend Luke and I were on a mission to capture the leader of an organization that performed a million dollar heist a few months ago. We were working as undercover FBI agents. We were so close to capturing the criminal, known as Shaw. We intercepted one of his deliveries containing 100,000 in cash and found him on the receiving end. We’ve been chasing him ever since, leading us into a dark abandoned tunnel.
I took the right side of the tunnel, I ran at a medium pace, cautiously, with a pistol in my two hands. The tunnel was long and dark; it felt as if it were never ending. I spent literally hours in that tunnel in search for this man until finally it came to an end, and I spotted him! I saw him resting in the corner of the tunnel hands buried in his face, panting for breath. I slowly went up to finally arrest him. I was alerted as he pulled out his gun at me and I was even more alerted to find that the man was simply Luke. “Oh Jake, am I glad to see you!” He exclaimed as he inserted his gun back into his belt. “Any sign of Shaw? I asked. “No, he’s long gone; can we just continue tomorrow man?” Luke cried. “No! We keep looking.” I snapped. And we did.
No luck. Luke and I stopped by the FBI headquarters and each took quad bikes to scout areas nearby the tunnel. This guy was like a ghost, he was nowhere to be found. We searched the whole day for hours until midnight but no sign of Shaw. Luke was relieved to finally hear me say “Alright Luke, we’re done for the day.”
“Ring ring ring” I awoke up to the sound of a phone call. Exhausted, I answered the phone with an aggravating voice “He-hello?” I jumped up in bed, my dark blue eyes lightened and I was no longer exhausted. It was Luke. He had information on Shaw.
I wore casual clothing. As an undercover FBI agent I had to blend in with the rest of the world to draw any suspicion off of me while capturing criminals. I dressed in black, as it was a good disguise in this gloomy weather. I slipped on some gloves, threw on a trench coat, grabbed an umbrella and finally headed out. I got in a cab and murmured my destination to the driver. I listened to the sound of rain crashing on the road and reviewed once more everything that Luke had told me.
The man we were following earlier was only a look alike of Shaw. It was a distraction, to keep the FBI off of the real Shaw while he attempted more illegal acts. He is currently in Canada, British Columbia, hiring hit men to kill certain people for him; one of those people is the president, Barack Obama. There was a meeting, being held near Vancouver in an abandoned warehouse, on the plan to execute the president. And we were going to it.
The car slowly rolled to a halt as we reached New York City’s airport. I met up with Luke inside. He was sitting down, just outside the entrance that led to our airplane, while sipping on some black coffee. He wore almost the same outfit as me, as we had discussed earlier on the phone. “Good Morning Jake” Luke said in a lively voice. He handed me my ticket while I replied, “Morning.” in a tired voice. It was 5 AM; we only had around 4 hours of sleep. “The flight to Vancouver, Canada is now open for boarding. I repeat the flight to Vancouver, Canada is now open for boarding.” boomed the flight attendants voice in the microphone. Luke and I got up and headed to our big mission.
While sitting in the airplane only one thought crossed my mind, ‘How on earth does Luke know all this information on Shaw?’
The plane took off. I slept while Luke stayed awake planning out the mission. Even though I was higher in command than Luke, he seemed to be taking it more seriously than me. That’s good I thought to myself.
I dreamt. “Jake! JAKE! GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!” it was Luke. “They’re headed this way! We have to move, NOW!” Everything was so blurry. All I could make out was Luke yelling at me. My head was spinning. My eyes slowly shut as I heard footsteps. I awoke to the sound of the pilot’s voice “We are experiencing high turbulence, everyone stay calm and please remain seated with your seatbelts on.” The plane was bumpy, it moved from side to side, up and down. It was very nauseating. I jerked my head right to talk to Luke, but he wasn’t there. Weird I thought. My thoughts of Luke’s whereabouts were intercepted by the pilot’s voice; “Everyone please wear your ox-” the power went. The lights went out and the plane became pitch black. I heard the oxygen mask fall in front of me. The plane felt as if it were descending. Then it hit me, we were crashing into the sea.
Before I could react we were already in water. I unstrapped my seatbelt and swam to the closest exit gate; I followed the crowd of people out of the plane as they helped the younger children with their oxygen masks. ‘No one seems to be panicking’ I thought to myself. I went back in the plane to search for my friend; he was nowhere near his seat, and no sign of anyone else in the plane. I swam up and saw everyone by the shore waving at me; I scanned through each one of the people for Luke. He wasn’t there. I gave up and started to swim to the shore, but then I was taken back in by the current of the ocean. The waves became fierce, I couldn’t swim it off, and my muscles started cramping. Then when nothing could get worse, my oxygen mask was taken away with the waves. I swam back up but the current only got stronger, I got tired and stopped struggling, the waves took me under and I slowly fell to the ocean floor.
Anyways..how is the beginning?
The Chase
“Which way did he go”? Luke asked in a soft voice. “You take left.” I replied. He nodded. My friend Luke and I were on a mission to capture the leader of an organization that performed a million dollar heist a few months ago. We were working as undercover FBI agents. We were so close to capturing the criminal, known as Shaw. We intercepted one of his deliveries containing 100,000 in cash and found him on the receiving end. We’ve been chasing him ever since, leading us into a dark abandoned tunnel.
I took the right side of the tunnel, I ran at a medium pace, cautiously, with a pistol in my two hands. The tunnel was long and dark; it felt as if it were never ending. I spent literally hours in that tunnel in search for this man until finally it came to an end, and I spotted him! I saw him resting in the corner of the tunnel hands buried in his face, panting for breath. I slowly went up to finally arrest him. I was alerted as he pulled out his gun at me and I was even more alerted to find that the man was simply Luke. “Oh Jake, am I glad to see you!” He exclaimed as he inserted his gun back into his belt. “Any sign of Shaw? I asked. “No, he’s long gone; can we just continue tomorrow man?” Luke cried. “No! We keep looking.” I snapped. And we did.
No luck. Luke and I stopped by the FBI headquarters and each took quad bikes to scout areas nearby the tunnel. This guy was like a ghost, he was nowhere to be found. We searched the whole day for hours until midnight but no sign of Shaw. Luke was relieved to finally hear me say “Alright Luke, we’re done for the day.”
“Ring ring ring” I awoke up to the sound of a phone call. Exhausted, I answered the phone with an aggravating voice “He-hello?” I jumped up in bed, my dark blue eyes lightened and I was no longer exhausted. It was Luke. He had information on Shaw.
I wore casual clothing. As an undercover FBI agent I had to blend in with the rest of the world to draw any suspicion off of me while capturing criminals. I dressed in black, as it was a good disguise in this gloomy weather. I slipped on some gloves, threw on a trench coat, grabbed an umbrella and finally headed out. I got in a cab and murmured my destination to the driver. I listened to the sound of rain crashing on the road and reviewed once more everything that Luke had told me.
The man we were following earlier was only a look alike of Shaw. It was a distraction, to keep the FBI off of the real Shaw while he attempted more illegal acts. He is currently in Canada, British Columbia, hiring hit men to kill certain people for him; one of those people is the president, Barack Obama. There was a meeting, being held near Vancouver in an abandoned warehouse, on the plan to execute the president. And we were going to it.
The car slowly rolled to a halt as we reached New York City’s airport. I met up with Luke inside. He was sitting down, just outside the entrance that led to our airplane, while sipping on some black coffee. He wore almost the same outfit as me, as we had discussed earlier on the phone. “Good Morning Jake” Luke said in a lively voice. He handed me my ticket while I replied, “Morning.” in a tired voice. It was 5 AM; we only had around 4 hours of sleep. “The flight to Vancouver, Canada is now open for boarding. I repeat the flight to Vancouver, Canada is now open for boarding.” boomed the flight attendants voice in the microphone. Luke and I got up and headed to our big mission.
While sitting in the airplane only one thought crossed my mind, ‘How on earth does Luke know all this information on Shaw?’
The plane took off. I slept while Luke stayed awake planning out the mission. Even though I was higher in command than Luke, he seemed to be taking it more seriously than me. That’s good I thought to myself.
I dreamt. “Jake! JAKE! GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!” it was Luke. “They’re headed this way! We have to move, NOW!” Everything was so blurry. All I could make out was Luke yelling at me. My head was spinning. My eyes slowly shut as I heard footsteps. I awoke to the sound of the pilot’s voice “We are experiencing high turbulence, everyone stay calm and please remain seated with your seatbelts on.” The plane was bumpy, it moved from side to side, up and down. It was very nauseating. I jerked my head right to talk to Luke, but he wasn’t there. Weird I thought. My thoughts of Luke’s whereabouts were intercepted by the pilot’s voice; “Everyone please wear your ox-” the power went. The lights went out and the plane became pitch black. I heard the oxygen mask fall in front of me. The plane felt as if it were descending. Then it hit me, we were crashing into the sea.
Before I could react we were already in water. I unstrapped my seatbelt and swam to the closest exit gate; I followed the crowd of people out of the plane as they helped the younger children with their oxygen masks. ‘No one seems to be panicking’ I thought to myself. I went back in the plane to search for my friend; he was nowhere near his seat, and no sign of anyone else in the plane. I swam up and saw everyone by the shore waving at me; I scanned through each one of the people for Luke. He wasn’t there. I gave up and started to swim to the shore, but then I was taken back in by the current of the ocean. The waves became fierce, I couldn’t swim it off, and my muscles started cramping. Then when nothing could get worse, my oxygen mask was taken away with the waves. I swam back up but the current only got stronger, I got tired and stopped struggling, the waves took me under and I slowly fell to the ocean floor.
Last edited by Jake on 2013-06-22, 12:46; edited 3 times in total
I won't correct anything, but there's one thing that really bugs me and I'm not sure why. I think you should change 'silent' to 'soft' in the opening line. There's not really such thing as a 'silent' voice, unless no sound actually comes out.
